It’s a year tomorrow since I began trying to chronicle this recovery journey. I had high hopes of being totally recovered by now. Hopes of being back on track with my life and living again. I haven’t been able to write lately as it’s been too hard. There are some things I cannot share.
How heavy my heart is now as I have to write about how I’ve been taken off my student teaching placement for the THIRD time. And I’ve been advised to accept a withdrawal Fail grade.
Why? I’m a healthy weight. I certainly don’t LOOK like I have an eating disorder. But my mind is still so easily tricked into restriction and over exertion. Teaching is hard work. Physically, mentally and emotionally. But I’m still running to Gloria’s arms when stressed. So I started skipping meals as I was ‘busy’, sticking to safe foods when I did eat, trying to move as much as possible. My reward? Collapsing in the staff room before school last week. My body going into a catatonic state so an ambulance is called. The paramedics telling the principal I must be having a nervous breakdown.
When I go into this state it is so frustrating. I am aware of everything around me and all that is said. But I cannot move or respond beyond a whimper. There is no medical explanation for this. I think my body just takes over and keeps me still while it can. I may be wrong. My vitals are always perfect and I was able to refuse going to hospital, though they did suggest taking me to the mental health unit.
So now I am not allowed to continue my placement. I tried to say I’d be alright if I just had a rest and took it a bit easier. But then I wouldn’t be meeting the expectations and I’d fail. So I’m trying to work out how to sort out uni and course structure from here.
I’m sticking to my latest meal plan. Resting. Sad.
Back to regular visits to my doctor and psychologist.
I will beat this. It’s taken so much from me and given nothing but pain in return. But I will be free.
Gloria is not me.