I want to say that I’ve been so totally busy with just living lately that I haven’t had time to write. But that’s not exactly the truth. I have been busy. And I have been living. I just didn’t want to admit I’d slipped again. I’m back up. Stronger and better than I’ve been in a long time.
I’m still having some issues with food. I still cannot give myself permission to eat outside of designated eating times. I still find it difficult to eat foods not on my meal plan. So I can’t completely state Gloria is not me. There’s still a lot of control around food and eating. But I am eating enough to keep me going while teaching full time on prac. HUGE leap forward. I caught myself before I really fell over this last week. Another massive leap in the right direction. I’m proud of what I’ve managed to achieve these last two weeks in my school. The relationships I’ve made with the kids and the lessons we are teaching each other.
I am sad that Gloria has made my dream so much harder to achieve and made it an extra year away (at least) from reality. But still there is enough of her to make complete recovery too terrifying to really contemplate.
But that’s thinking too far ahead. I’ll focus on the positives of now and how far I’ve come already. It’s been a year since I realised what was going on and sought professional help. And I have come so far. My good and okay days are outweighing my bad or worse ones. This time last year I was eating half a baby sized portion of rice once a day (maybe). Now I’m eating like an almost normal grown up. This time last year any time not spent moving was used against me as evidence of my failure. Now I can recognise that my body needs and deserves rest. This time last year Gloria reigned supreme. Now I can recognise her voice and ideas and mostly realise they’re not in my best interest.
I still have some distance to travel on this road, but it’s so much less than how far I’ve already come.
Gloria is not me.