I don’t have the ignorance of inexperience any more. So I wrote a letter to myself just in case.
Dear Little Relapsed One
I know you’re scared. I know it’s all too much. But I just want to remind you what it’s like on the other side.
This morning you ate breakfast without a care for the calories. It was not a big deal. It was just part of your morning. You laughed and joked with Tim. You marvelled at how precious motherhood is. You enjoyed the noise and mess of it. You had the physical, emotional and mental strength to deal with whatever came.
Today you are just living. Not too worried by the future, unsure as it is in some areas. Today you have chosen to be present. Uni assignments really can wait another day. Right now there is washing to be done, children to cuddle, music to learn, songs to sing, jokes to be shared, a husband to love, sunshine to be basked in, freckles on cheeks to kiss. And it is so good. Right now there is no nag in your mind pulling you down, telling you you’re a failure for choosing to live like this today.
Today, you were able to choose a completely different lunch because your normal one is not available. And it was okay. Last night – do you remember? – you enjoyed dinner. A fat, creamy, yummy chicken and veg casserole. An old favourite. You still love it. And you’re not a massive blob today because of it. In fact you have energy and vitality like you haven’t had for ages.
Today, you are aware of your size in a rational and accepting way. For a 35 year old mum of two you look pretty damn fine, girl.
I want to tell you I love being you. You have it good. You are so blessed, and you have it in you to be amazing in your world.
So, whatever it is that is holding you back today (tighter clothes, fear of gaining more, terror of choosing to give up perfection and losing control) I want to tell you this life I have today tastes so much sweeter than restriction.
Lots of love and God bless
P.S. Gloria is not me (or you)