I want to be free of this. I think. But I keep making pro-Gloria choices. Like skipping breakfast this morning. I’m wanting peace without the fight.

I think I’m still in denial. I am not completely on board with the idea that I have to gain yet more weight. It’s just cruelty. I don’t need to be any bigger than this. I shouldn’t even be this big. I hate it. And it’s so constant. I hate the whole ‘fat is not a feeling’ rubbish that’s going around. That is spoken by people who have no idea what is meant when it’s said. It’s true that ‘fat’ is not an emotion, and when I say I feel fat I’m not talking about emotions. When you say you feel hot or cold no one mistakes your meaning. You mean it physically and so do I. It’s a very physical, if irrational, feeling. When I say I’m feeling fat I am aware of the fat stores on my body like they’re add-ons – not actually part of me – and therefore unnecessary and to be eliminated.

Have you ever read Life, the Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams? If you haven’t you should. Anyway, I liken my hatred, or rather Gloria’s hatred, of the fat on my body to how the people of Krikkit reacted when they discovered the rest of the universe – ‘It’ll have to go’. Then they began a systematic, detached and brutal campaign to obliterate the universe. All while writing beautiful songs and generally being agreeable and lovely. Also unaware they were ultimately about to destroy themselves as well.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I get it.

Gloria is ruthless. Entirely without mercy. She would have gone straight over that student in Tiananmen Square. She goes straight over me. Passive resistance is futile. I just get steam-rollered.

Time to become a freedom fighter instead of a freedom conscientious objector. I’ll post myself a white feather as a reminder:

Gloria is not me.