Thinking Time

Thought I was well enough for a run this morning. Nope.

I was fine while I was running. I was fine while I was stretching. I started being not so fine making breakfast. By the time I’d eaten and had a shower I was so light headed I couldn’t stand. Or even sit. I blacked out as I fell off the toilet. No strength, but at least I could talk and move. More bed rest.

I felt so angry. But not at Gloria. At my body for letting me down again, and for being so pathetic that it needs food. At Tony for trying to make me get back on the recovery road.

The thought of all the food he wants me to eat makes me want to run away. I was very close to cancelling all health care appointments this week. I nearly gave in completely again.

But (there’s always one of those) I can see today as a tiny step forward. I do want to run again. And be strong enough to come home and keep on living, get up and run again tomorrow. Running is the only time right now that I love my body. And I know what I need to do. So even though my hands shake as I put food (that isn’t muesli) into my mouth, even though I want to heave at the foreignness of the feel of it on my tongue, even though each meal seems like a mountain, I will not give in. Oh, how much I want to give in. How easy giving in is. But it only brings days, weeks and months like this.

I’ve slipped so far back down this hill, and it happened so quickly. I’m bruised and sore and heavy of heart as I look up again. I’m hoping that because I have climbed this part of the path before I’ll find it a little easier this time. Please, dear God.

Gloria is not me.

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3 thoughts on “Thinking Time

  1. Prov 24:17 For a just man falleth seven times,and riseth up again;but…………….
    The words of a well known song say,…I get knocked down but I get up again…
    It’s not the falling down but the getting up again that’s important. Prov 18:14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity;… YOU CAN DO IT. Praying for you.

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  2. Dear Precious Hannah I know how hard this journey is for you and how many times you will want to just throw in the towel so to speak….but you have overcome the biggest hurdle you can face…and that is acknowledging you have this problem. Many cannot and won’t even do that.
    I absolutely have faith in your ability to fight this and come out the other end as a winner.
    Know that God has you in the Palm of His Hand always.. And He WILL give you the strength and the means ( whether that consists of your medical team ) to win this battle.
    I am reminded of that time when God says “The battle is not yours but Mine” I know this sounds abit super spiritual but it is a reality…He alone can give you the strength to fight this battle…however you need to do your part as well.
    Keep fighting sweet girl because I know you will eventually win.
    You are Hannah not Gloria and she does not give a toss about Hannah. Keep fighting her one day at a time until you are victorious.
    Just remember one day at a time!!
    Love you heaps and am so proud of you..xx Bev

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  3. Hey Hannah, strong and courageous one. You will succeed and win this battle. I know because you are so determined. You are a majority, because God is on your side!! He is your strength when you have none, your will power when you lose yours, your everything you need when you feel you have nothing left.
    Have a great week, love you and praying for you. HeatherX

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