I want to write a totally positive post. I want to say that I’m doing really well. I want a rainbow-tailed pony. And a million dollars.
Truth is, I’m neither up nor down. I’m just doing what I need to. Well, what Tony knows I need to do. My body is still recovering and repairing. I fall asleep very easily. My fingernails are stronger. I’ve had quite a few positive comments about how well I’m looking. Trying to be ok with them and not listen to Gloria scream ‘FAILURE!’
Tony tells me how proud of me he is. But I know that it’s he who has done the hard work. He’s dragged me fighting against him the whole way. Every step in the right direction is because of his insistence that I am worth fighting for. When I am fully recovered, body and mind, I will appreciate it. Right now, I just want to be left alone. Just left to restrict and punish. Which is just stupid. Extrinsic motivators are still vital to my recovery. Just thankful they are here.
I am finding the meal plan has helped a lot with my anxiety around food. It is great to not have panic attacks going to the shops. I still have my ‘safe’ foods, but thankfully that list is growing. I’m even being inventive with recipes again! Slowly, I am coming back to myself and my family. I thought it would be more clear cut than it is. But I’ll take this. I am finding it a little weird to rediscover myself. I had forgotten many things. I’m getting to know myself, and I think I might get along with me.
I was able to make Christmas yummies to give away. And enjoy the whole process. Such a Hannah thing to do.
I am going to keep focusing on these things and remember:
Gloria is not me.