More in Me Than This

I’ve been in denial again. Trying to tell Tony I’m all better now. Weight is high enough now please. My body is recovering nicely; I have some more energy, I can wear my wedding ring again, I don’t need as much sleep now and, er, it’s all systems go in the girl department.

But I know, and Tony knows, that given the chance I would restrict and exercise to lose all this weight as fast as I could. I feel so uncomfortable in here. I cannot see the weight gain as healthy or desirable.

Yesterday talking with my psychiatrist, I was able to recall my dreams regarding my education degree and future academic career, and I was Hannah again. With ambitions and opinions and a knowledge of the paths to achieve and validate them. Fully aware of all I’ve been blessed with, and all I can and have offered of myself. All of which has been buried as I cave in to Gloria. As soon as he mentioned my weight, asking me how I felt about it, my world shrank again. I was just a woman with an eating disorder. With one goal – to pull my body in after me as I implode.

Because I listened to Gloria, I did not accept my university’s offer of a place in the Embedded Honours Program. I don’t know if I can explain why. I don’t know if I know myself. I think it’s because I felt I didn’t really deserve it, and to make me worthy I had to gain control over myself. Completely. But instead of giving more in life, this has gradually eroded just about everything of worth to me. Even myself. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

So feeling and being Hannah yesterday, even for such a short time, makes me determined to beat this. To be one of the positive statistics. To ignore Gloria’s warnings. To trust Tony and the rest of the care team. To choose health and life.

Here’s how I won today: today I ate from the whole piece of toast. I did not even once tear it into smaller pieces. Today I ate an uncut sandwich, like some sort of grown up. I didn’t realise how long it had been since I made a mess on my face as I ate. I’m out of practice eating salad sandwiches, apparently. I ignored her warnings because:

Gloria is not me.

4 thoughts on “More in Me Than This

    I don’t know if I am qualified to comment here because I can not appreciate your struggle with Gloria, I don’t really understand it at all. Except that, you keep commenting on your support and how grateful you are that ‘they’ know something you don’t (or don’t seem to at this time).

    What I would give to be offered what you were offered, please take it, you are so incredibly talented, literacy is your gift and you have a purpose and a goal, and Gloria is robbing you of that. I remember you saying in an early tutorial why you were studying and what your dreams were, to teach a love of literacy to children who desperately need to know what you know.
    We started this university journey at the same time, we both want something more for ourselves, we HAVE dreams, I couldn’t imagine being robbed of that. I couldn’t imagine something taking that from me, especially something that is a flat out LIE. Gloria is a liar, a filthy dirty liar who is robbing you of everything good and right in your life.
    Something my Mum use to say to me when she was going through her worst struggle ever, and something I use to say when I was going through mine (not prepared to mention here) was to call on the name of Jesus. (There is power in his name). ‘Jesus Jesus Jesus’, ‘Jesus Jesus Jesus’, Jesus Jesus Jesus’, Jesus Jesus Jesus’… say it over and over and just see how that name can silence Gloria. The truth will set you free honey, Gloria does not know the truth, only destructive lies. You don’t need any other strength, other than your voice saying that name over and over.

    X x X x X x X x X x X x


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