I hit rock bottom again yesterday. Collapsed in the shopping centre. Staff would not let me refuse an ambulance. I was shivering uncontrollably and unable to answer most questions. Slept it off under observation in A&E while blood tests were done. I cannot deny what’s happening to me anymore. Not when I can’t even toilet myself to give a sample for testing. If that doesn’t make you wonder about some of the choices you’re making lately, you really are in a bad way. It didn’t make me wonder until today.
Last night I couldn’t even promise Tony I would stop exercising. I refused to make a promise I didn’t intend to keep. I was still refusing to believe that I am responsible for the worry and disruption to so many people’s day. I was still in denial that the worry and disruption were at all warranted.
Last night I was still trying to restrict. Still covering up how much exercise I’ve been managing lately. Still clinging to the lies and empty promises of Gloria.
Today I think I finally realised that Gloria knows jack squat about what is good for me. And I don’t know anything about how to fight this by myself. I am blessed with an amazing husband, great kids, awesome family, fantastic church and friends as well as a super team of professionals. Maybe the key to fighting is to just stop. Stop thinking and just start trusting that the people placed around me know something more than I do by myself. Stop listening to Gloria’s hate and start listening to the overwhelming majority’s care and support.
I quit. I want a future full of promise and hope.
Gloria is not me.