Tony Wants Me to Call This Post Busted McCustard

So, I chose the easy road to peace today. It went well until dinner. Then the brown stuff hit the spinny thing.

I can finally see just how weak and underhand I’ve become in order to maintain this illness. I’m sneaky, but can’t lie about it when I’m caught. So tonight when Tony discovered that I’d hidden half of my dinner under his nose, things kind of became tense. I had to admit I’m still exercising more than he thought. When Tony realised I chose ravioli for dinner so I could restrict under the guise of never having liked it, he was more than a little peeved. The kids were still at the table with us. Phoebe was trying to bribe me to eat, Tim was just watchful and silent. Friends who’ve eaten with our family know that Tim is not silent at dinner time – he has a captive audience and will capitalise at any given opportunity. Tony got through to me, told me to fight. For once I was able to pick up my fork and eat. And I was even able to fight enough to choose to eat more after that, given that I’d eaten almost nothing all day.

There are times when this illness is just cruel. The mental and even physical aversion to the very thing that is the only cure is beyond imagining. But the short term peace is bought at too high a price.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t like who and what I’ve become. I don’t want to see that look in my son’s eyes. I don’t want Tony to search my bag every time I come home looking for what I might have bought to use for purging. I don’t want to be chaperoned everywhere I go because I’ve proven myself unworthy of trust regarding food and exercise. I don’t want my daughter to learn any of these behaviours.

Time to get real. Again.

Gloria is not me.

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3 thoughts on “Tony Wants Me to Call This Post Busted McCustard

  1. Hey Precious Girl…it’s tough but you can do this. Please hang in there and fight Gloria with all you have…even if you have nothing left in the tank. Remember God does and can give you strength even if it is only enough for the day…but that is all you need as this fight is one day at a time. Yes you will fall but get back up….yes you will take one step forward and two steps back but keep going. Fight for your life….don’t let Gloria win because she is not you.
    Remember you have a husband who loves you and two beautiful children who adore you…you have family and friends who love you. We are all walking this journey with you and have your back. Gloria doesn’t give a stuff…so fight her with everything you have for yourself and those who do love you.
    You are precious and are loved more than you will ever know.
    Love you Hannah
    Bev xx

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  2. Hang in there Hannah. Things might seem bleak right now, but you can make it! Healing doesn’t normally come straight away or in an instant, but it will come if you humble yourself, persevere and rely upon God’s strength. Read Peter 1, and check out the glorious inheritance that God has prepared for us

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