White Noise

Tony looks forward to summer as he loves to fall asleep to the sound of the fan. I’m the opposite. I love me some silence for sleep. Tony will even use white noise in his headphones to help get to sleep.

Right now, my mind is just white noise. Really loud white noise – tuning the telly on full volume loud. Days such as this are really exhausting mentally and emotionally. And I do usually end up choosing the easiest path that leads to some form of peace. That means completely caving in to Gloria. If I don’t have to think about eating at all, my mind can at least rest, and I can focus on some other parts of my life. This is what happened on prac. I couldn’t focus on lessons, teaching, getting to know the students as I was constantly fighting Gloria. So I just quit fighting. My body lasted only two days and I had to quit prac instead.

The aim while I’m in this place is to lose as much weight as I can before someone notices or my body lets me down. While I’m here all the anxiety about food is gone, so I can go to the shops, cook food for my family, talk about food, plan the weekly menu for our family. Food is not a problem at all. I know it can’t hurt me, as it’s not going in. And I just enjoy the sense of calm.

This is when my psychologist is most blunt and tells me my thinking is dysfunctional and I cannot trust it. This is when it’s hardest to even try to be rational. Why would I choose that chaos of mind over this apparent peace?

Praying for strength to make the hard choice. The right choice. The choice that will ultimately lead to true peace, when:

Gloria is not me.

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