Stolen

Today I am trapped between my husband and Gloria. He is trying to get me to eat and to trust him, while Gloria screams in my head that if I do what he says I’ll be a fat nothing, a failure. I allowed him to serve my lunch today. And immediately hated him for the enormous portion he gave me. ALL of which he then sat and watched me eat.

Gloria tries to convince me that restriction is power, and weightloss is control. But despite excelling at these two things I am powerless and my life is out of my control.

I need to start really seeing what giving in has stolen from me.

Trust between my husband and myself is at an all-time low – I don’t trust him and he now knows he can’t trust me about food and exercise.

My dream. I was a distinction student in my education course. Til Gloria came along. In my last session I failed two units. I had to defer my professional experience halfway through because I was too weak to continue without failing.

My peace. ‘Nuff said.

My self-worth. Constantly hearing yourself be unkind to you wears you down and you really do believe it. I am a fat slutty no-good waste who really should be smaller. And have more self-discipline.

My energy. As much as Gloria tries to play it down and even bald-face deny it, I am so weak at times I’m like an old woman. But apparently it is strength to deny myself the energy I need.

My femininity. My body is a plank. I think I had bigger boobs when I was eleven. I haven’t had a period for months. Gloria says that’s a great thing as they were always such a hassle anyway. But what about the long term health implications?

My wedding ring. I can’t wear it anymore. It’s too big. I wear it on a chain around my left wrist. It doesn’t quite feel the same.

My running. Oh, how I miss running. I’m too weak now to run. Even walking is often too much.

My kids’ peace. Our son asks all too often if Mummy is going to die. Our daughter asked me to please not ‘wither away’ to a skeleton.

Meals with friends. I won’t eat what I haven’t prepared myself, and I find eating with others too stressful.

Looking at this list you’re probably asking ‘Why? Why can’t you see and just do what you need to do to get yourself better?’ But that’s rational. And most of the time I am not. Gloria really knows me. And all my weak spots. And how to fight dirty. It is constant. It hurts. And I just get so tired.

Writing this has shown me what I am fighting for, what I want to win back in my life. Hannah’s rights, privileges and responsibilities. I’m fighting for more than just an existence.

Gloria IS not me.

2014-11-01 17.05.22

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5 thoughts on “Stolen

  1. Hannah, you ARE an amazing woman. Sharing your battle is the most brave thing to do. I want you to know I think Hannah is an incredible and amazing woman who is fighting a huge war. The war isn’t won in a day, there will be on going fights. You are going to have days that Gloria triumphs in and those days are going to be such awful kicks in the bum. But the bigger picture is, you can overcome her. You won a massive battle when you chose to share and document the pain Gloria is putting you through with those who love you. Are you seeking professional counselling or help? I don’t know if it’s a feasible option but I’d like to recommend the Transformations team .http://www.transformation.net.au/page/3/the-programs.
    I love you Hannah you are precious.

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  2. Dearest Hannah..I walked This same journey with one of my best friends and know first hand how difficult this fight is. You are right Gloria does fight dirty but Hannah you will become the stronger one. Take one day at a time and always reach out. Get professional help and keep on blogging. Let your family and friends be there for you in this huge battle against the voice of Gloria in your head.
    Try and remember you are loved…you are special… And you are God’s beautiful daughter. Walk this journey with Him and remember He will never leave you..judge you or abandon you. You are His and He will help you to win this insidious battle for your very life.
    You are a Brave Woman of the most High God and you will win this fight.
    Just the fact that you have spoken out and named your enemy is a huge step towards winning this battle.
    I love you as does your beautiful family and friends and you will never be alone in this fight.
    Please try as hard as it is to know how valued you are.
    You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers…but most of all you are in the very Palm of Gods hand.
    Love you Hannah
    Bev xx

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  3. Hey beautiful sister, daughter of the King. Thanks for sharing. You are strong and courageous. As you face the fight, remember we have your back, and together we have no limits to what we can achieve.
    Love you
    Heather X

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