Today I’m choosing life. Again. Another attempt at recovery.
My name is Hannah. And I have an eating disorder. I want to add my story. I want my voice (my rational voice, that is) heard.
I call my ED voice/thought processes Gloria. I thought this was a good way to distance my rational self from those thoughts and ideas. She is an overbearing, hate-filled, perfectionist with not very much love for me. And I’m trapped here in the same head. If a person were to speak about me and to me as she does I could and would walk away. But I can’t. I’m in an abusive relationship with myself. And it’s time to end it.
Why now? Why have I chosen today? Well, today I was stopped by a friend who commented on her growing concerns for me as she saw me ‘wasting away’. Today, in the depths of relapse and restriction I received a message of love and concern from a total stranger who gave me the courage to fight once more. But if I hadn’t already been touched by my friend’s care, I don’t think I’d have been able to really hear and understand these words:
you have to fight so why not fight for something worth getting?
From the outside, my life is pretty sweet. I’m married, we have two beautiful and (I have to say it) clever kids, and I have friends and social connections by the bucket load – through my church, uni and my kids’ school. I’m studying to be a primary school teacher, a dream I’ve had since I was a kid. But I’ve got myself to a point where my ED behaviours are tearing all this to pieces around me. I’m standing naked, weeping and trying to catch sand in a tea-strainer as it all blows way. No more.
I have to fight. And I’m fighting for something worth getting.
Gloria is not me.